I am currently quite disoriented. It is two pm on a sunday afternoon...I just woke up from a nap, having not slept since the night before EDC, which wasn't that good of a sleep in any case since I was excited and restless.

I should be hungry, seeing as how my last real food consumption was this Carl's Jr. chicken sandwich at four yesterday, and it has almost been a whole twenty four hours with nothing but gum, water, a tiny powdered donut, and a Mochi icecream...but I feel...only this bleh washed out taste in my mouth. No hunger.

I am tired, though. I don't know how to occupy myself until it's night and I can actually go to sleep...and work is the last thing I want to do tomorrow.

goodbye, cellphone, ipod and expensive earphones, keys with cute keychain, pen with expensive ink, prada bag, my little notebook, my glasses case, my wallet, ids, various cards, fuck my life, etc.

I seriously feel like I have no option but to die right now. Life...just makes no sense.

why is it, that when I fell shitty, and it's my birthday, and I have nothing truly relevant to say, that I always feel like posting here?

Repetitive things that mean nothing and no one will ever read...

I somehow like the look of them so much.

Maybe things will change (and soon, I'd hope.)

so what if I never see him again?

is it so what if I never see him again,

or

so...what if I never see him again?


I think, right now, the second option. I can't retain my optimism if reality keeps slapping me in the face.

I'm writing a screenplay for ScriptFrenzy. It's interesting, doing a new format like this. And there has to be a limit to the length, too, since a movie can't go on forever...it's fun. And I'll see how it turns out.

I officially have the job at Bookstar, in fact working has almost become routine already. That's why I felt so odd and bored recently, with life in general. I want new people new places new things. Excitement and exploration.

I finished reading Rant, which was kinda good. I'm not sure I really like it. Or Palahniuk, all that much, for that matter...

Summer is so soon.

It's remarkable how everything happens.

It's exactly how I imagined it to be--exactly. Yet it's nothing like it at all.

It's tenderness and tears. It's being alone, with the words in my mind and the words on paper and the words from the stereo.

It's thinking--thinking it would be so easy. It should be so easy.

So then, why doesn't it stop?

So this is what I do. Make a mixtape.

For me. For him. For any one.

For waking up today and thinking, maybe, it's all better. And that it has, even if by degrees.

For reading PostSecret and smiling. Because every week, why does it feel so right? Why does every secret look like its written for me?

For maybe, making this mixtape.

And maybe, leaving it for a stranger to find.

That sort of romanticism, sentimental, artistic thing I've always wanted to do.

I feel this inexplicable surge of great happiness that can only be expressed with something like the optimism glowing "Temptation" by New Order, or "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure. It's Friday the 13th. It should be unlucky. But I haven't felt a Friday like this in a long time. I haven't felt this energy, this excitement, this appreciation of everything around me.

This started after third period, when we stepped out of an annoying biology lab to a cloudy, smokey sky and those sprinkles prone in San Diego. It hadn’t rained for a long time here, probably not the whole summer, and that instantly lifted my spirits. It was a near physical force, the way the rain drops felt so delicate and magical. After that, the world seemed to be revolving around me in the best way possible. I didn’t experience sudden great luck or any spectacular surprise, but I have this great certainty that something in the air is different. Something amazing is about to happen, and it’ll be glorious, like this high unlike any other I’ve experienced. So much that I can look at the deep blue of the sky, that particular shade of blue that’s a true, true blue. Not that pastel “sky blue” colored pencils tends to use, and not that midnight blue you’re expecting. This is pure and beautiful. These clouds, white puffs in the sky, have never appeared more gathered, more focused, more beautiful. The trees in the canyon I walk by, that vibrant shade of green, as if they’d been dipped and smothered in direct, golden sunlight. It pops from the dirt, and everything is spectacular.

Nothing has really changed in my personal life, for this surge of pure joy. But it’s there, nevertheless, and it’s quite something to behold. Something I want to hold on to and keep close with me, every day of my life. This way the mundane annoyances of just another day become exciting and even something to look forward to.

This calls for dancing and hopping across the beautiful green grass. And yeah, it’s October, but this is not fall. This is some bizarre season of wonder and happiness, of perfection and lack of problems. Everything has a luster, everything is so alive. I can’t help but look out the window, at all these little details that make the world so beautiful. And I thought I was supposed to be cynical and sarcastic.

Friday I’m in love. Never has been a truer phrase muttered. This Friday, I really am in love, with the world, with life, with everything that has ever gone right and even everything that has gone wrong. Singing aloud, leaping and spirits rising!

Friday the 13th is the luckiest day of my life, without really being lucky at all.

So today I went to NYU and went on the campus tour. Which was good. Tomorrow we're going to Columbia and The New School, so I'll have something to compare.

And then we headed to Trash & Vaudeville in hopes of finding lolita friendly clothing/shoes, and my parents basically exploded over the fact that they sold some fetish/punk clothing and the salespeople were dressed differently and spoke of things such as hookers and other assorted unpleasantry, and I basically decide that in the future I needed to befriend such a person to prove to their ignorance and such person's awesomeness.

And then we went to Soho/Little Italy/China Town in hopes of finding the Lower East Side and spotting hipsters and shopping there and such. And then we got as far as Grand St., but it was getting dark and I was losing hope of finding anything. So we walked around in several circles to finally get on the right train, and got back to the house in suburbia where we were staying at.

Tomorrow, after the college tours, we're (finally!) going to hipster/artist central, Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And then we have Sat., when I'll be headed to a Blythe gathering and dressing Gothic Lolita so we can go to the biggest cathedral in the world and take pictures, but without proper shoes or a petticoat due to my parents' fear of T & T.

And I'm missing out Fluxyblog DJ set at the Skinny in the Lower East Side as I type, and it's rather depresssing. But, hopefully, Williamsburg will make it alllll better.